Things the Cullens Cannot do!
by catastrophickitten
Summary: Bella, Edward, Emmett, Alice...and more to come soon!
1. Bella can't do

Things Bella is not allowed to do. For obvious reasons. Thanks to Julia and Ally who helped me with this chapter!

1) Tell Edward she's getting a divorce.

2) Tell Edward she's going cliff diving, again.

3) Buy a monkey,

4) Name him Edward,

5) Every time she yells Edward and he comes running, tell her that she was calling the monkey.

6) Rob a blood bank and blame Jasper.

7) Shoot an Emmett and Rosalie porn video.

8) Put it on the Internet,

9) Sell it.

10) Make a video of her and Edward having sex.

11) Give it to Jacob

12) Tell Jacob he's never allowed see Nessie again.

13) Tell him she sent her to boarding school.

14) In Hawaii

15) Forget to tell him it's all a joke.

16) Tell Edward she had an affair with Mike.

17) Right before the marriage.

18) Tell him she's not sure if Nessie is his or Mike's.

19) Tell Edward she got a chastity belt.

20) Tell Edward she sold his Volvo.

Ok so good or no? This is my first thing like this so yeaaaa…

xXx Olga xXx


	2. Edward can't do

**20 Things Edward Cullen is not allowed to do. **

**Some may be obvious, some may be moronic, some may be just low, but all of them are against the rules for Eddy!**

**Oh, and I do not own Twilight or Edward. However I own all the stupid stuff he isn't allowed to do. **

Give off feelings of lust toward Jasper.

Tell Bella he knows what she's thinking.

Tell everyone what Alice is getting them for Christmas/their birthday/any other holiday.

Hit on Rosalie.

Tell Nessie to bite Jake.

Repeatedly.

Give Emmett tampons.

Tell Jake that he's a pedophile.

Tell Bella he's leaving her.

Again.

Tell Alice that he tore up her credit cards.

Call Esme and Carlisle while they're on vacation and tell them the house burned down.

Burn the house down.

Call Jessica and tell her he loves her.

Blame someone else when she has a heart attack.

Go within 100 feet of Mike Newton's house.

Laugh at Mike for not getting Bella.

Go outside in sunlight.

Dazzle Bella so badly that she doesn't remember her own name.

Destroy or otherwise harm his and Bella's cottage.

**Leave me some love ok??? Pleeeeeaaaaassssseeeee!**

**Olga**


	3. Emmet can't do

Hey, sorry I haven't updated in so long, but I had summer school for extra credits and I've been really busy with that. So yea, more randomness and stupidity. Don't you just love me for that?

20 things Emmett Cullen can't do.

Tell Edward that he's sexually repressed

Take Edward to a sex therapist.

Ask Bella if she has any sex toys she can share with him and Rosalie.

Figure out how to get drunk.

Fill Edward's car with condoms.

Fill Edward's car with bananas.

Fill Edward's car with ANYTHING.

Make sexual innuendoes around Nessie.

Kill people.

Have sex on Edward's piano.

Touch Edward's piano.

Burn down the house.

Cook.

Try to feed Bella whatever he cooked.

Rearrange the living room furniture.

Break the living room furniture.

Rearrange Edward's CDs.

Touch Edward's room.

Move the house.

Come to school covered in bear blood.

So, if you love me, leave me some love in the form of REVIEWS! Come on, it's not that hard people.

Life~

So right now, I'm listening to Hollywood Undead and talking to Julia. My birthday's on Sunday and I can't wait. Oh, and if anyone has a MySpace, add me. Just PM me for the link.

Olga 3


	4. Alice can't do

**Ok, been pretty busy lately...a week and 2 days ago my girlfriend got back with me!!! So here's Alice!!!**

20 things Alice Cullen can't do.

1) Get a black card. No spending limit whatsoever...

2) Buy the Mall of America.

3) Ask Edward if he's ever had a sex dream about Jacob.

4) Ask Jacob if he's ever had a sex dream about Edward.

5) Tell Rosalie that she had a vision of her making out with Seth.

6) Build a mall.

7) Throw everything in Bella's closet away.

8) And replace it with stuff that she bought.

9) Paint Edward's room in really fruity, girly colors.

10) Play dress up with Emmett.

11) Give Edward and Bella a basket full of sex toys.

12) Give "the talk" to Nessie.

13) Commission a Barbie doll of Bella.

14) Make Barbie Dolls of the Cullen Family.

15) Buy a record company because she was bored.

16) Throw Bella a giant party even though she doesn't age anymore...

17) Force Bella to wear clothes of her choosing.

18) All the time.

19) Enter all the Cullen girls in a beauty pageant.

20) Tell Edward she had a vision of Jacob and Nessie's wedding night.

**Read and Review!!!!!**


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